Your Movie Sucks eBook –

Roger Ebert S I Hated Hated Hated This Movie, Which Gathered Some Of His Most Scathing Reviews, Was A Best Seller This New Collection Continues The Tradition, Reviewing Not Only Movies That Were At The Bottom Of The Barrel, But Also Movies That He Found Underneath The BarrelFrom Roger S Review Of Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo Stars The Movie Created A Spot Of Controversy In February According To A Story By Larry Carroll Of MTV News, Rob Schneider Took Offense When Patrick Goldstein Of The Los Angeles Times Listed This Year S Best Picture Nominees And Wrote That They Were Ignored, Unloved, And Turned Down Flat By Most Of The Same Studios That Bankroll Hundreds Of Sequels, Including A Follow Up To Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo, A Film That Was Sadly Overlooked At Oscar Time Because Apparently Nobody Had The Foresight To Invent A Category For Best Running Penis Joke Delivered By A Third Rate Comic Schneider Retaliated By Attacking Goldstein In Full Page Ads In Daily Variety And The Hollywood Reporter In An Open Letter To Goldstein, Schneider Wrote Well, Mr Goldstein, I Decided To Do Some Research To Find Out What Awards You Have Won I Went Online And Found That You Have Won Nothing Absolutely Nothing No Journalistic Awards Of Any Kind Maybe You Didn T Win A Pulitzer Prize Because They Haven T Invented A Category For Best Third Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who S Never Been Acknowledged By His Peers Schneider Was Nominated For A Razzie Award For Worst Supporting Actor, But Lost To Jar Jar Binks But Schneider Is Correct, And Patrick Goldstein Has Not Yet Won A Pulitzer Prize Therefore, Goldstein Is Not Qualified To Complain That Columbia Financed Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo While Passing On The Opportunity To Participate In Million Dollar Baby, Ray, The Aviator, Sideways, And Finding Neverland As Chance Would Have It, I Have Won The Pulitzer Prize, And So I Am Qualified Speaking In My Official Capacity As A Pulitzer Prize Winner, Mr Schneider, Your Movie Sucks

10 thoughts on “Your Movie Sucks

  1. says:

    I have one starred 57 novels out of 508 so far including some pretty big names Underworld Tropic of Cancer Independence Day White Teeth the Slap Story of O White Noise American Psycho The Piano Teacher Gone Girl Valley of the Dolls Vernon God Little The Catcher in the Rye In most cases I was dismayed to find out how much I hated them you really want to like the stuff you re reading, it goes without saying but in few cases I actively sought out novels which I suspected I might despise Topping from Below Suffer the Flesh Spare Key you could call it research I guess I may have irked a few fellow Goodreaders who love the stuff I loathe, and I m a little sorry about that, but not that sorry. I try to explain why this or that novel SUCKS although the one line about Jerzy Kosinski s Steps Yes, a single star, but a richly deserved one isn t especially enlightening just as Roger Ebert does in this amusing collection of reviews of hideous movies.But it didn t stop him getting in some public punch ups with directors he d slagged off Vincent Gallo, auteur of The Brown Bunny, was quoted cursing Roger with colon cancer Later, Vincent re edited his movie, and met up with Roger, and explained he never said the thing about colon cancer He meant prostate cancer Roger saw the recut Brown Bunny and changed his rating to three stars This sort of thing is not likely to happen to me but can you imagine Don DeLillo I read your review and I rewrote Underworld. I made it tighter, I cut out 470 unnecessary pages you were so right about that Hope you like it better.P Bryant Well, okay, but don t count on it.OrBret Easton Ellis I read your review and I did some hard thinking You re right, all American Psycho does is contribute, albeit unwittingly, to a culture of profound misogyny So I rewrote it completely.P Bryant Oh yeah Like how BEE In the new version Patrick Bateman meets up with all these girls and praises them tediously for pages and pages, and when they go home he viciously chainsaws all his Whitney Houston and Peter Gabriel cds P Bryant I like it Now that s what I call satire I have seen ten out of the 175 movies reviewed in this book and I pretty much agree with Roger, so I am for sure staying away from the other 165 But I would never have been tempted by some of them anyway, and nor would you The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas anyone Or perhaps Deuce Bigelow European Gigolo No, I didn t think so Roger on The Village 2004 It s so witless, in fact, that when we do discover the secret of the plot , we want to rewind the film so we don t know the secret any And then keep on rewinding, and rewinding, until we re back at the beginning, and can get up from our seats and walk backward out of the theatre and go down the up escalator and watch money spring from the cash register into our pockets.Roger on North 1994 I hated this movie Hated, hated, hated, hated, hated this movie Hated it Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience insulting moment of it Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.Having spent most of today in the company of Mr Ebert s bracing tirades I m left thinking that I ve been way too kind to some of the books I ve read I should learn from the master No Mr Nice Reviewer.

  2. says:

    Roger Ebert sees crappy movies, so we don t have to For over 20 years, I ve been a fan of Ebert, because let s be honest he has been the critic whose reviews most closely match my opinions That s how we, as movie fans, tend to work Ebert has written enthusiastically about movies I like, that none of my friends seem to Dark City, Joe Vs the Volcano , and he s been unimpressed with certain films that a non critic supposedly was a dolt not to like Pearl Harbor However, and this is key to Ebert s abilities as a critic, he always plays fair with his evaluation of a movie s merits He knows enough about film that he s able to compare the movie he sees to the one the filmmakers were trying to make The distinction is important because too many critics reviews, good or bad, are reactions to the film s comparison to the one the critic might have made instead In this way, Ebert is uncommonly generous toward the simple, fun, stupid movies we all love and he s earned the right to get downright cutting with the movies that fall flat, and waste our time.Watching a good film is fun and rewarding Reading a critic s positive review for a film you already like gives one the chance to feel affirmed, maybe vindicated or maybe like the only smart moviegoer in your group Reading a bad review of a movie you hate can be all that, with the added bonus of prompting fits of evil cackling Somehow, knowing a smart critic thought even less than you did of, say, a Deuce Bigalow movie makes the pain a little easier to work through.Even aside from the quality of the criticism, Ebert is an excellent writer And it s incredibly fun to see a good writer let loose, in the service of savaging a horrible film Watching a good writer administer exactly the right dose of poison is a different sort of fun, and Ebert has the chance to do both here Most of the time he s surgical in his approach, calmly and evenly explaining why a movie does, indeed, suck But now and then, he simply goes medieval, and kicks bad movies while they re down Don t worry, though they all deserve it.

  3. says:

    I have been a longtime fan of Mr Ebert s reviews He is funny, brutal and makes sure that we don t waste our money on drivel churned out by the Hollywood And he did the same in this book Read this book if you want to have a good laugh and meanwhile consider yourself lucky that you are not working in Hollywood or it could have been you getting your ass reviewed somewhere in this book.

  4. says:

    I got this book the other day as I accidentally bought it on my iPhone Thanks 1 Click It is very entertaining when he full on releases the venom, which is not often enough The reviews for Deuce Bigalow and most of Rob Schneider s movies and Wet Hot American Summer are memorable Even though I enjoyed a few movies in this book, Constantine, High Tension, Resident Evil, and Silent HIll , I would not defend them as good.

  5. says:

    This book is a sequel of sorts to Roger Ebert s earlier I Hated Hated Hated This Movie both collections of his reviews of movies he enjoyed the least The earlier book covered a few decades of reviews and so it had the stringent requirement of one star or less the new book covers just the 21st century and so, I assume to pad out the book a bit, includes 1.5 star movies It does mean that some of the reviews are less vitriolic and Ebert basically saying, eh But when Ebert is on a tear, ripping into a terrible movie, it s quite a sight to behold The book opens with an extended introduction detailing a few reviews that resulted in public exchanges with the director or stars, like Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo from which review comes the title of the book and Vincent Gallo s Brown Bunny.It should be noted that these books are, like so much these days, effectively free online just go to the Advanced Search on Ebert s site, set the Star rating To field to one or one and a half stars, and click Submit But it s harder to take your computer into the bathroom, which just might be the natural home for this sort of book Of course, you might also want to use it as a sort of affirmational read one of these reviews right before you leave the house and there will be a certain spring in your step No matter what you do or don t do during the day, at least you didn t make a terrible movie.

  6. says:

    I needed some light reading while I was on vacation and I was missing Roger Ebert anyway each time a terrible movie comes out my heart lets out a little pang that I ll never know how much he hated it so I went back to this old standby I enjoyed it less this time than I had in the past and I m not exactly sure why In some of the reviews he used some gimmicks I found annoying and even though he always prefaced a horror review by telling us that he was a horror fan, I never quite bought it He was a fan of great horror movies, not of horror as a genre and there s a difference, especially when it comes to reviewing movies that are geared specifically towards fans of the genre Still for my money he was one of the consistently great critics out there and I wish he was still around.

  7. says:

    This was hysterical.

  8. says:

    The film opens with a narration informing us that there are parallel universes, and that a force exists who seeks to destroy the balance so that he can become The One Apparently every time one of your other selves dies, his power is distributed among the survivors If Yulaw kills 123 selves, he has the power of 124 Follow this logic far enough, and retirement homes would be filled with elderly geezers who have outlived their others and now have the strength of 124, meaning they can bend canes with their bare hands and produce mighty bowel movements with scornful ease The One, 243 Black and white is better suited to many kinds of comedy because it underlines the dialogue and movement while diminishing the importance of fashions and eliminating the emotional content of various colors Billy Wilder fought for black and white on Some Like It Hot because he thought his drag queens would never be accepted by the audience in color, and he was right All the Queen s Men, 31 The pun, it has been theorized, is the lowest form of humor This movie proves that theory wrong There is a lower form of humor jokes about dinosaur farts The pun is the second lowest form of humor The third lowest form is laborious plays on words, as when we learn that the Rock Vegas headliners include Mick Jagged and the Stones The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, 134 They rigidly follow the age old formula of horror movies, in which characters who hear alarming sounds go to investigate, unwisely sticking their heads hands body parts into places where they quickly become forensic evidence Something attacks them in a shot so brief and murky it could be a fearsome beast, a savage ghost or, of course, Only a Cat The Grudge, 150 Faithful readers will know I m an admirer of Jennifer Lopez, and older readers will recall my admiration for Jane Fonda, whom I first met on the set of Barbarella 1968 , so it has been all uphill ever since Watching Monster in Law, I tried to transfer into Fan Mode, enjoying their presence while ignoring the movie I did not succeed My reveries were interrupted by bulletins from my conscious mind, which hated the movie Monster in Law, 229 It also has a truant officer, played by Eugene Levy in a performance that will be valuable to film historians, since it demonstrates what Eugene Levy s irreducible essence is when he plays a character who is given absolutely nothing funny to say or do New York Minute, 237 The Princess Diaries 2 Royal Engagement offers the prudent critic with a choice He can say what he really thinks about the movie, or he can play it safe by writing that it s sure to be loved by lots of young girls But I avoid saying that anything is sure to be loved by anybody In this case, I am not a young girl, nor have I ever been, and so how would I know if one would like it Of course, that s exactly the objection I get in e mails from young readers, who complain that no one like me can possibly like a movie like this They are correct I have spent a long time, starting at birth and continuing until this very moment, evolving into the kind of person who could not possibly like a movie like this, and I like to think the effort was not in vain Princess Diaries 2, 260 One of the foundations of comedy is a character who must do what he doesn t want to do because of the logic of the situation As Auden pointed out about limericks, they re funny not because they end with a dirty word, but because they have no choice but to end with the dirty word by that point, it s the only word that rhymes and makes sense Lucille Ball made a career out of finding herself in embarrassing situations and doing the next logical thing, however ridiculous Son of the Mask, 304 Tarantino s film is made with grace and joy This movie is made with venom and cynicism Texas Chainsaw Massacre, 324 I went to the Rotten Tomatoes roundup of critics not for tips for my own review, but hoping that someone somewhere simply said, Made me want to vomit and cry at the same time Wolf Creek, 362

  9. says:

    I was incredibly enthusiastic about this book as soon as I saw the title Reading the back cover taken from Ebert s review for Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo , had me even pumped As someone who has never read anything by Roger Ebert before, knowing him simply as the thumb guy, I was impressed with the review s self consciousness and outright snark As I said, I was enthusiastic, but the feeling, while not entirely disappearing, certainly subsided.Actually opening the book yielded a couple of introductory texts, including the complete review of Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo and an account of the Ebert Gallo feud over the film Brown Bunny Again, I was impressed by Ebert s playful attitude and willingness to allow for the film s redemption Once you get past this introduction however, the book is simply an alphabetized collection of Ebert s post 2000 less than two star reviews.While some of the reviews are not without charm, or even hilarious moments, the anthologizing of the opinions of a single person over such a relatively short period of time in his career lends itself to certain touches of repetitiveness While I can certainly sympathize with the task of having to come up with original reviews for each and every movie, reading through them all at once can get to be something of a chore.The apparently most important thing that I have learned from this book is that I should see There s Something About Mary Every single sex comedy in the book and there are a lot of them as many are, in fact, quite poor is compared unfavourably to this Magnum Opus of semen humour At least a half dozen times, Ebert makes reference to the hair gel scene, and how no other scene in recent history has been as funny.Another fact that I took issue with is that 90% of most of the reviews are plot summary While in some cases, the story being retold with a trace of acidic sarcasm is enough to explain why the film is bad, I generally felt disappointed by the lack of reasoning why the movies received the ratings they did Granted, there are some exceptions, but often than not, plot summary is the rule.My third, and most vehement issue with the book is with the rating he gave Death To Smoochy This movie was awesome I am the only one in the world who thinks so, but it pains me to be constantly reminded about how wrong brained either I, or the rest of the world, is This movie aside, Ebert and I were rarely far off in our opinions, particularly in regards to the unacceptable, irredeemable Freddy Got Fingered Ebert makes gracious not quite gratuitous use of words and phrases from his own Little Movie Glossary In one case, he even suggests the reader to pick up a copy Shameless Yes Forgivable Maybe In most situations, however, the phrases he uses are self explaining, and, quite helpfully capitalized After reading this book, I feel like I am adept at picking out a Meet Cute than ever before.The most important thing I will take from this book is a different way of watching movies Ebert hates when things happen in movies because it is the way things happen in movies While being willing to suspend disbelief, he admirably demands for the films he watches to make sense and be supportable by conceivable motivations or human behaviours It wasn t until reading this book that I realized how much nonsense I have let wash over me for the sake of trying to enjoy a movie It is very possible that Roger Ebert has single handedly changed the way I watch movies I don t know if I like it I had one last thing to say but liked how my review ended, so I ll say it in a P.S The last few pages of the book are an index, directed a reader toward which page has which review I ll give that minute to settle in Yes, there is an alphabetical index in a book which has all of its reviews listed in alphabetical order, not unlike having a cheat sheet in a dictionary or a phone book.

  10. says:

    I liked the first Ebert collection I read while not agreeing with every review, I did enjoy the turn of phrase and the at times somewhat savage pen So upon recommendation I got this one.This one was just as humorous and none of the movies in it were among those I d say I actually like That made it even easy to appreciate the reviews Some of the movies in this book I enjoyed than others of course, a few I d say I found not too bad BUT on the other hand some were so spectacularly bad that the skewering Ebert gives them not only seems natural, it seems deserved A great many of these movies you will recognize a lot of them are either remakes as in Deeds shudder or have a 2 in their title Most of them are pathetic examples of cinema In those cases if you actually paid to see them, you ll probably cheer their shredding.Howeverwhether or not you agree with his take on a given film, you ll find some chuckles, chortles and outright laughs here Enjoy.